Being alone is one of the undeniable truths about life. We are born alone and die alone. Even for those who are lucky to have loyal companions, loving family members and friends, how long one enjoys the company of each other is a matter of fate and circumstance.
Man (and woman) is a social animal and thus craves for company and social interaction, none of which is guaranteed and best not taken for granted. As humans we have this innate need to feel “seen”, wanted, desired and cherished. We look for attention and importance. But it’s not something that every human gets in equal measure – for just as we are fighting our inner demons, so is the other person(s) in our life. That might mean that he/ she fails to acknowledge or respect our needs. Placing our happiness in someone’s hands sets us for disappointment. Vesting our happiness in ourselves is the secret to being happy alone!
Learning to be alone and being okay with it is a useful art that reaps many benefits including doing away with the constant need to rely on someone else to find joy in life. Being alone frees one to seek someone else’s company not because they need it but because they enjoy it. In the same vein it helps to weed out people that are toxic from your life.
When I consciously shifted to this approach in life, it proved to be hard but liberating. To be alone and happy, I had a lot of unlearning and learning to do. But I was determined to do this for my own sake.
No waiting, no expectations, no opening myself to hurt and rejection repeatedly, learning to enjoy other’s company without the burden of processing whether it was contributing to my happiness. Accepting that even if I give wholeheartedly, some people will not reciprocate.
LOVE THYSELF
The first step is to love and respect myself because hey if I need to eat, sleep, play and read with myself I need to appreciate who I am. So, this is the most important tenet of being alone – you should love your own company and persona. Small self – affirmations help in this like giving yourself a proverbial pat in the back, a pep talk, a treat, writing down why you did what you did, just looking at yourself in the mirror and saying ” I am happy to be alive, happy to be me, this is my day and I am not going to let anyone ruin it for me. ”
Loving yourself means giving yourself the priority you deserve and which gets lost in family life more so if you are a woman. If you never place yourself first and the ones you place first also don’t ever place you first, you are always at the end waiting for your turn – and when the turn doesn’t come, it leads to disappointment and despair. End this cycle by giving yourself priority.
“If you are lonely when you’re alone, you are in bad company.”– Jean-Paul Sartre
TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH
A corollary to the first point, it is of utmost importance to take care of one’s health. When you are physically and mentally health, the reliance on others reduces. Take care of your diet and exercise regimen. Give importance to your physical and mental well-being. Go for regular medical check-ups. Follow up and take corrective action in case of any medical issues. If one is fit and healthy, one feels confident of being/ staying alone in life.
Simple things like adopting healthier habits such as walking/ running or playing a sport you love works wonder for your health. Quit smoking, quit sitting at desk for hours and quit stressing about things that you can’t help or people who won’t change. For mental wellness try yoga, deep breathing, meditation , nature walks, take out time for volunteering in causes you believe in.
A prayer that I keep repeating to myself is
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
The hardest part is the third -knowing the difference between what you have control over and what you don’t. I think it’s a sign of ultimate maturity when you actually can tell the difference between the two and like everything this is still a work of progress for me.
DO MORE OF THINGS YOU ENJOY
In the humdrum of life and family, a lot of our passions and interests take a back seat. Picking them up again gives a purpose like no other especially as the adult you need not run after certificates and medals nor indulge your parents pride. The only person you need to please is you, the only accomplishment you need to bother about it actually doing it. Not just an old passion, how about things you thought you would enjoy but never had the time or opportunity to try then out. It could be anything from pottery to dancing to kickboxing to skydiving. Find your passion and pursue it, you will find yourself happier alone.
In the last one year, I took on trekking with a Singapore based group, that I thoroughly enjoy. I started taking driving lessons which I had been thinking of for ages, set up my own website after several hitches, started maintaining a physical gratitude and aspirational journal, started dabbling in podcasts. And I felt more at peace with myself once I started doing all these.
Still, I have a long bucket list to tick off: solo travel, kathak classes, writing a book, publishing an anthology of poems/ stories, picking up weight training and much more.
In Robert Frost’s words : “I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.”
ONE LITTLE CHANGE A DAY
I once read somewhere that to bring a transformation in your life or to move forward from where one is presently is, one must aim to do one small thing new or differently every day. Just one small change can lead to the big change you are aiming for in a matter of time, every small change/ improvement also is self-affirming leading to greater confidence.
Consistency is great but over a period of time can lead to comfort and this comfort can lead to complacence. One mantra that has made a difference in my life, is to aim to better oneself every time one attempts/ practices anything. When you have mastered one skill, it is time to add one more and not just rest on the laurels of the first. This is the only way to progress.
As a 40 something, the application of this mantra rung true even when it came to exercise and managing weight. Keep doing what you are consistently to maintain weight. But if you want to lose those inches and weight, you’ve got to mix things up or increase the duration or intensity.
I try to apply this in my life in just basic ways – holding the plank a few seconds longer, walking a bit faster and further, writing just a little more everyday. Small makes it doable…
So, if there is a habit you want to kick, work on it a little more every day. Have been planning to build a new routine or habit? Just get started and do one tiny bit little more today than yesterday. Go with the flow. Believe me, the sense of accomplishment is phenomenal when you do something you have been procrastinating for months! The adrenaline rush, the good hormones can all lead to a more joyful life – a life that is fulfilled on its own – not with someone or through someone.
LONELINESS IS NEEDY BUT ALONENESS IS A POWER!
Understand the difference between being lonely and alone. You might feel lonely even when in a group. Loneliness makes you feel sad and depressed whereas enjoying being alone is a kickass attitude that empowers you. The good news is that once you revel in your aloneness, loneliness cannot touch you.
“There is a certain strength in being alone, but there is a great power in being alone and happy.”
