”Bless you John Gray”, “Is your soul a woman’s?” -my Venus heart has been exclaiming ever since I started reading the best-selling book, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus,” written by author and counselor, Dr. John Gray. In all probability most women out there would have read this book- & the men??? Well, who said Martians (men from Mars) can READ?
Yes, I know my review comes too late in the day- its a 19 year old best-selling book, published in 1992 which has sold millions of copies worldwide and has attracted comments and criticism alike. But then I was a tad too young for this- could not have been bothered by self-help books, did not understand how grown up relationships could be and hated studying about planets and the rest of the solar system! To come to think of it, nothing much has changed now …. I still find self-help books a drag (but find MAFMWAFV a useful exception); even after being married for 7 years feel that it is difficult to fully fathom the complexities of relationships and even though I appreciate our solar system completely now- I still find it difficult to satisfy my 4 year old son’s endless questions about them. I wonder whether telling him that his Dad is from Mars and his mother from Venus help or will it solicit another question from him…”Mama, where am I from- Jupiter or Pluto?”
So I had to write about this since my mind is clogged with all that information and analysis about creatures on Mars and Venus and I have only reached mid-way through the book. I do feel however that some examples given by Dr. Gray to explain his case could have been done away with….reading lists of behavioral absurdity can be a bit tedious! But the tedium is well- compensated by his very apt interpretation of the vital differences between men and women.
Making Sense of The Cave and the Wave
Dr. Gray postulates that while men go into their caves to de-stress and recharge, women need to just blurt it all out to instantly feel better- very true as all married couples must know. When men are tired or stressed or upset and when they feel they need to find solutions – they want to do that in isolation, they do not like to talk about it unless they really have to. Men find it (funnily) simpler to de-stress and refresh while watching TV, playing a game, surfing the net and hearing the news – all at one time– rather than by talking with their spouse or spending time with the kids.
Women on the other hand want to talk when they are upset, they want to talk when they are happy…..women generally look forward to talking about their day, their partners day, discussing about office, home, kids even the future….just pouring their hearts out makes them relieve stress, recharges and refreshes them for another round of chores. They seek not isolation but a partner who can give them full attention and listen to them without commenting or passing judgement or trying to find a solution- just ears. So here surfaces an-all out inter-planetary battle as Venusians want to talk while Martians are mentally and/ or physically already in their cave.
Another simile prof erred by the author for Martians which I found pretty amusing was that men were like rubber bands! The men apparently need to stretch out to the limit – or pull away at the height of intimacy with their partners which then allows them to bounce back on their own to the women in their life. But Dr. Gray fails to acknowledge that most rubber bands which pull away too hard… snap when they bounce back?? On the positive side of course, this section reminded me of a beautiful saying, “If you love someone, set him free, if he comes back to you he is yours forever, if he does not, he never was!”
According to the author, women’s (Venusians) emotions go up and down in waves…the high tide brings an overwhelming range of emotions: love, joy and care literally flows from the woman and washes over the household! When she reaches a low ebb, she is subdued, depressed, feels nothing good is happening with her, is easily angered and frustrated and is kind of emotionally cleansing herself out. To my mind this low ebb sounds familiar- isn’t this what medical books associate with the biological menstrual cycle which renders the woman’s moody and temperamental, hormonal changes during periods, pregnancy and menopause? Or is it plain psychology as Dr. Gray says…whichever it is but most women will vouch that they do go through these phases- feeling bright sunny, fresh and bountiful on some days …and miserable, teary, in-the-dumps, nothing-is-what- it- should-be, on others.
As per the author understanding each other’s differences, acknowledging that men need to go to their caves and pull away at times while women need to emotionally ride on waves will improve communication and mutual adjustment to each other. It sounds excellent on paper but its difficult to understand how will this work out practically? –
- if for example, the rubber band (read as the man) bounces back at exactly at the time when the woman is at a low ebb rather than at high tide? so here while the woman is miserable and going through emotional cleansing, the man is gleefully ready to love and be loved.
- or what if the rubber band pulls away precisely when the woman is at the highest point of her wave? so while the man needs distancing, the woman craves for intimacy and is hurt.
- what if the Martian goes repeatedly inside the cave and does not emerge for ages whenever the Venusian tries to pour her heart out to him. (this i believe is the most common occurrence in every household).
The question is that if you do not have the author in your life guiding you in every step, who ensures that the Martian and Venusians are in sync with their emotions? Who should be the one in the saddle, swallowing hurt and trying to sync their mood with the partners?
To me it seemed that the author (ultimately a Martian, albeit a considerate one) has put the onus on women. The author exhorts women to let men go into their caves and do their thing (whatever it may be) and wait patiently outside the cave for them to emerge…..this according to the author is the time when the Martians at peace with themselves should and would be most receptive to their wife’s conversations. He also says that the women should also wait for their men to pull away from them and rebound…..which again is the time when the men will be available (till of course their next sojourn or pulling away time) and this is the time which wise women would utilize shower their husbands with love, receive attention, love and a patient ear…. this should in short be the time to sing the Venusian song to the Martian partner!
But I ask, why should the onus be on the women to wait for the men to rebound or to exit their caves to give and receive love and talk???Why should the men not hear the women out first before entering the cave and why should the men not sync their pulling away and bouncing back with the woman’s high and low wave? Maybe it is Martian chauvinism? Or maybe it is because the author knows that in most cases women work harder at making relationships work, women give more to relationships. Maybe also because Dr. Gray is convinced that even if the Martians do not read in their caves (they are too busy gaming, watching football and surfing the net), the Venusians will take out the time to read, assimilate and imbibe from the book!
It is the truth that successful communication is the hallmark for any relationship but unfortunately Martians have not learned to talk or listen because in their planet people only spoke when they needed to, not because they wanted to share or connect. This increases the responsibility of the Venusians vis a vis the Martians as supposedly the man does not understand why it is so important for the woman to talk specially at a time when his mental antenna is receiving loud signals from inside his cave or tech-den!!! He also does not fathom why a woman who is the love of his life (by the very virtue of being his wife or girlfriend) needs to be shown intimacy when he’d rather lounge around in front of the tv or maybe go for golf!
Planet Languages: The Interpretation Problem
I particularly like the example of a husband-wife conversation in the book, where the woman is trying to talk with the man after they have both returned from work. She initiates the conversation, tries to tell about her day – there are no replies except for some bored grunts. She tries to ask him about his day to which he replies in monosyllables – ”nothing’, ”the usual.” Finally she asks him something which apparently he does not hear because his reply is to ask for the ”TV remote!” She bursts out saying that he never talks to her and does not love her….and he is shocked! The man apparently does not fathom what he did wrong!!! Maybe Martians need a crash course delivered over skype or video chat about how to pay attention to simple conversations and that there was life even before the idiot box! In fact this man was at least answering in monosyllables….Dr. Gray points out how the Martians were also not taught how to support a conversation with oh, ok, yes, uh-h-ho….most of them just sitting there saying nothing prompting the woman to scream, ” why don’t u every say something?, it is as if i am talking to a wall”
Dr. Gray mentioned another pertinent point about simple conversations which turn ugly because when the man finally does listen he treats the women’s every conversation as a complaint ….he interprets it wrongly as a blame-conversation where he (the super-hero) is the person responsible for all misery, he is the one she is blaming. Sometimes this maybe true when she is pointedly complaining but in most cases IT IS NOT………..the woman while sharing does not usually chafe away the negative part…she shares all of it – the good, bad and ugly and on days in which she is on a low tide….there many be a lot of bad and ugly ………but she does not want the guy to take the blame for it, or the responsibility for it ….she is also not fishing for solutions which Mr. Fix-it tries to offer very generously. All she is looking for is her partner to listen, acknowledge and just hold her close or offer her a hug- that is all needed to make her feel better and see the sunshine again! Offering solutions to the woman at this point or getting defensive turns simple heart-pouring into an argument again.
Mr. Fix it vs. the Home Improvement Committee
But as Dr. Gray says Martians are tuned to find solutions, so they try to do that in every conversation…they don’t see the point of discussing some problem which cannot be fixed. But for women a conversation is her form of expression, her way of maintaining a mental balance – if she is looking specifically for solutions she will ask for it. Ironically, when these women specifically ask the men in their lives to actually fix something other than in a conversation (as in physically change a bulb, replace batteries or fix the toaster), these Fix-it Martians disappear….for hours into their caves or act as if they did not hear! So the Home-Improvement Committee constituted by the Venusians (definitely a nightmare to Martians who only want to unwind in their caves) complain about how Mr. Fix-it not willing to fix anything broken in the house. This definitely leads to another inter-planetary battle where the Martian protests that the Venusian is always trying to control and improve him and always making an issue about small things- then he coolly goes into his cave! According to the author, the Home Improvement Committee aka Venusians aka ladies needs to be appreciative of whatever little the Martian does and not to be condescending …..a hard task if you ask me……….can anyone answer why the Martians who claim to be better at catching a ball or kicking a goal cannot ever manage to bin the rubbish or land the dirty clothes in the laundry basket (amazingly they always fall inches away from the aimed corner and are left there without a backward glance till some Venusian picks it up).
From cave to wave, from fix-it to home improvement and different interpretation to common words….men and women have little in common except the desire to be together despite all odds.………..
Venusians, Martians- comments most welcome!
